Like Everything I've Ever Lost Coming Back To Me
by darveyandsuits
Summary: Hello all you lovlies! I decided to start writing a few Darvey fics, and this one's the first one I've decided to post. There's more chapters to come with a lot more meat to them than this one haha so hang in there...I'm thinking about adding a twist in a few chapters time which I'm really excited for ;) I really hope you enjoy it! xxx
1. Chapter 1

Horns going off and sirens singing, it's hard to remember a time of pure peacefulness and serenity. As she stared up to where the skyscrapers met the sky, completely zoned out to all that was around her, only registering the sounds and sights once in a while as she blinked, for a second there bringing her back to reality, but then quietly drifting back to the deep corners of her mind.

She was 'Donna', she hadn't remembered feeling this way in a long time… maybe even ever. But ever since she had advanced her professional life, all she felt was emptiness. An ache that ran through her veins constantly, but especially when she was near him. So many unresolved feelings bubbling beneath the surface, feelings that have been there from the moment she had laid eyes on him all those years ago, were more than bubbling, they were boiling and vaporising through her cells into the atmosphere. It scared her more than anything else.

She loved him… so much. But for so long she had only allowed herself to think of that love in a platonic way, like a brother or a cousin. But deep down she knew that was only to protect herself. Because although she's Donna and know's everything, the slightest chance that she could be wrong about how Harvey felt, was enough to discourage her.

Pulling up to the intersection across from the PSL building, she sees him standing there next to his own black Lexus, casually talking to Ray. As the lights change, she sees him notice her and smile softly.

Then it happened.

And nothing else mattered

Because she was drifting away.

What felt like hours of blackness, there was suddenly light and shadows moving, voices yelling, chaos brewing as the seconds past. But that was all noise that she couldn't focus on. The only thing that distinguished itself from all the others was his voice.

"Get away from me." He yelled frantically pushing past bystanders trying to help. " Donna!"

He could see her fiery auburn hair creeping through the cracks of the broken window. His heart pounding in his chest as he ran over to the car, the car that was now mangled in more ways than he thought should be possible.

He felt like time had stopped, the cold adrenaline that had instantly started pumping through his veins, was the only thing keeping him upright. "Donna" He breathed heavily frantically trying to open the door, to get to her. As he opened the handle of the door, he realised the impact of the crash had moved the door and pushed the sheet of metal into the next door, making it impossible to open.

He didn't know what to do, all he would see was her there, mere inches away from him, lifeless with blood dripping from her hairline and unable to reach her. His mind racing a hundred miles an hour, he started trying to break away at the glass of the window, trying to make a big even space from where there were already gaps.

Putting his fist through, he only felt the pain of the sharp edges cutting into him after he'd gained access to the inside of the car. Trying to reach for her, her hand, her arm, anything, eventually being able to find her hand, he grabbed it with the urgency of taking a breath of fresh air after being underwater for too long. His lifeline.

"Sir, you need to step aside." He could hear the voice getting louder as he pulled himself back into the present. "We need to get to this casualty" He tried to explain.

Realising he was an inconvenience and was stopping Donna from getting the help she needed, he carefully removed his arm from the shattered glass and moved to stand back on the curb of the footpath.

He felt sick. Unlike any feeling, he'd ever felt. The pure dread overwhelming him, he leant against a street lamp next to him, closing his eyes. She had to be alright.

"We're taking her to Mount Sinai, you can come with us if you'd like sir." The man seeing the distorted look across Harvey's face and knowing he must've been someone close to her.

Harvey nodded and walked over to the ambulance, as the paramedics were wheeling her over.

After Donna was strapped in and secure, they motioned for him to come and sit beside her, jumping up and leaning over her to reach his seat, he got a clear view of how hurt she was. Feeling as though his insides were disintegrating, and every breath he took hitting his lungs like a box of knives.

 _'_ _Think about what your life would be like without her'_ He remembered Jessica once saying to him. He couldn't. He wasn't able to go to that place. A place that held a world where she didn't exist.

Since that first time she approached him, she'd captured him, and he didn't want her to ever let him go. Feeling these thoughts made him feel guilty for not telling her how much she meant to him while he could've. Feeling the value and weight of time. Sacred in times like these. The feelings that he had suppressed and denied for so long, coming into his consciousness.

"You were like listening to a record for the first time and realising it would be my favourite." He whispered into her ear, his chin resting gently against her shoulder. He buried his head into the crock of her neck and breathed her in. Felt how warm she was and fell asleep thinking about all the times he should've told her he loves her… but never being about to find the courage to do so. He would've said to himself that she'd only crossed his mind once, but the truth is she never left after he first saw her warm, nurturing hazel eyes.

Opening her eyes, she found a dark bear room, the room only lite up faintly by the light of the monitors that were recording her vitals. She slowly turned her head, only a fraction of a movement, but enough to see the man sitting in a chair against her bed, leaning over with his head buried into her side.

"Harvey" Donna whispered roughly, her voice hoarse. She tried moving her fingers but couldn't, his hand covering hers restricting her movements. "Harvey" she whispered a little louder now, realising he was asleep. She could feel the weight of his head on her shoulder and regretted trying to wake him. Knowing she'd instantly miss the warmth, his touch, him. Knowing this wouldn't last forever, she didn't push it any further afraid to end a moment she didn't think she would get ever again.

Her heart beating rapidly she looked around the hospital room, identifying that it was, in fact, a hospital. Flashbacks of a loud noise and the sudden disappearance of light and consciousness vaguely present in her mind as she tries to remember the events that lead up to that moment.

She turned her head slightly, enough to see his profile, and how the left side of his face was buried into her shoulder and his head angled up towards her, giving her a direct view of him. His chocolate eyes not visible to her, but the worried frown between his eyes ever present. She wanted to smooth out the folds in-between his eyebrows, to ease his troubles. Before it registered in her brain that she was doing it, she was doing it. Touching him. She softly traced over the crinkled skin in hills and valleys, smiling when he took a deep breath and relaxed his forehead, learning into her more.

Watching him like this, she wished that life could always resemble this image. Waking up next to him, with those big brown eyes staring into her soul, seeing him fall asleep late at night, knowing all was right in the world because he was next to her and that that was all she could ever need. Sighing she turned her head back around facing straight ahead, this type of thinking would only lead to heartbreak again, she tried to block out the feelings, it had be doable the majority of the time… but every now and then, she'd slip up, have a moment of weakness, feel vulnerable and her guard would come down and the strength she had to keep the feelings and thoughts at bay would dissipate allowing all of the emotions to rush back in.

She liked it though. The pain of being in love with him, she didn't want it to cease to exist, for it was the only reminder that it was real. She could take the heartache as long as she was able to stay close to him.

Right now, she didn't care about the wall in between them, right now the denial was lifting and her true feelings were being acknowledged, probably because of the medication, but either way she was grateful for it. Not having to try so hard to push it down, when all it wanted to do was be free.

Turning back to him, she let herself trace his face, feeling his soft skin, and the rough areas of stubble that he'd obviously not shaven; which got her wondering how long she had been in here for… how long he'd been here sitting beside her.

Feeling an ache in her chest she felt her eyes well up as she continues to rest her palm against his temple, feeling his pulse under her thumb that was brushing over it. She hadn't been this close to him in over a decade. Forgetting how it made her feel, but also remembering as if it was engraved into her memory like riding a bike. Knowing she'd have to let him go soon, she could feel her breath catch, thinking of him there, so close, yet so far from her reach.

Feeling a warmth against him, he began to become more aware of his surroundings, opening his eyes slightly he saw an arm draped over his face and the shadow of a hand resting on his cheek. Her hand. He slowly brought his right hand out from underneath his face where it had been supporting a portion of his body weights to not hurt her shoulder, he placed it on top of her hand. Letting his fingers slip in-between hers. Feeling his heart start to beat faster as though he was home after running for so long. Looking up he sees her dazed and sleepy, waking up slowly.

Watching her crinkle up her nose as she yawns, he doesn't take his eyes off her, following her as she rubs her eyes until finally, she notices him. There, awake and staring right into her soul, so intense she noticed her breath falter, her chest aching, giving her a taste of what's to come when this moment passes and this too is added to the things they shove under the rug. Wanting this moment to last for eternity, they simply stare at one another, silently communicating.

"Thank you for not dying." He finally said, softly moving his thumb over her upper cheek just below the corner of her eye.

"Harvey… What exactly happened?" She questioned him

"You.." He looked down, "You scared the hell out of me" He stated, letting out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding and let out a half laugh in amazement.

She smiled weakly, looking at him bring his eyes back to hers, mouthing "I'm sorry"

"What really happened though?" She asked, starting to become slightly anxious about it all, and realising that whatever had happened, it had created a lot of pain in her body. Which apparently her pain medications weren't blocking anymore.

"Are you okay?" He asked frantically looking at her when he saw her squirm in pain.

"Harvey, I'm fine. Now stop dancing around the questions."

"You were coming back to the office…and a driver lost control and upended your car." He said, the taste of the words bitter against his throat, flashbacks of the event playing in his mind on replay. Seeing the uncontrolled car collide with Donna's side of the car. He couldn't think of it.

She nodded in understanding, feeling the pain thicken and become more uncomfortable.

"I remember seeing you… were you there?" She asked, moving slightly to adjust her position.

"Yes. I was. You came towards the building where I was outside talking to Ray, when it all happened. I saw it all." His voice breaking slightly on the last few words. _I saw you and I wanted to run to you, then when it happened, I felt as if my whole world was ending. I've never been so petrified in my life than in that moment._ He wanted to tell her but held back the words, not knowing how to physically vocalise them.

She looked at him and knew how hurt he was. Despite their complicated relationship, she knew that he loved her, and was special to him. Smiling weakly at him, she saw the sadness in his eyes.

"Hey.. don't worry okay. I'm okay"

He smiled weakly, sitting up slightly to press the nurses button, he couldn't bear seeing her in pain, and although he knew she would want to be strong, he wasn't strong enough to see it.


	2. Chapter 2

"Thanks for doing this Rach" saying as she bent down to put her feet into her flats. Her head pounding with the downwards movement and her muscles spasming with every movement. Feeling guilty that she was in a position where she was needing to be taken care of, also that she would be taking her from Mike for a week.

"Of course Donna" the younger woman said softly as she went from the bed to the visitors chair, packing Donna's suitcase up, that she'd brought in for her.

"Ready to leave Miss Paulsen?" The Doctor came in, discharge papers in hand, along with a small bag with a bottle of pain medication and prescription papers to refill.

"As ready as I'll ever be" exhaling, ready to be in the comfort of her own home. She smiles taking the papers that the doctor has in her outstretched hand.

"Take it easy, I don't want you to have any stresses, for the next week or two, okay? She looks at Donna and then at Rachel, silently communicating to her that it was important.

"I'll take good care of her, don't worry. There will be no added stresses of any kind, will there." She looks from the doctor to Donna, smiling, looking at donna sternly trying to be serious but falling short at the end, laughing patting Donna's hand.

She slowly settles into bed, Rachel helping by moving pillows around to get her more comfortable. They both take a deep breath as Rach plonks down next to Donna, they both bask in the silence that surrounds them, until suddenly the silence by Rachel.

"So… Harvey was very supportive at the hospital." She says turning over to look at Donna, her eyes glistening with curiosity and amusement. Amusement because she like all the rest of them, knew that the two of them were head over heels for each other deep down, but were too blinded by denial to see it.

"Yeah he was." Turning to see that sheepish look on her friends face. "What are you getting at there Rach?" She chuckles

"Mhm nothing… I just find it interesting, that after all these years… you two are still dancing around the bush."

The redhead tilts her head and raises one of her eyebrows, questioning.

"Oh come on Donna… don't you think it's time you acknowledged how you feel about him?"

"What?" She almost whispers

"Imagine what your life would be like without him." She challenges

She hadn't seen that prompt coming, nor had she ever really thought about what her life would be like without him in it. Although they weren't together, he was still in her life and for the time that had been enough…or at least that's what she had kept telling herself. She was beginning to realise though that that wasn't enough.

He'd been her best friend, her other half and she, his, for so many years. But just that. Having your soulmate so close yet so far, almost close enough to be tangible yet always being unreachable. The other woman, the rule she'd se in place right from the start. All keeping the gapping whole open.

Imagining her life without him though, completely gone, was unfathomable. She couldn't really remember a time where he wasn't apart of her. It had been like all the years spent before meeting him were a collection of dreams, and once she met him, starred into his eyes and shook his hand, she'd woken up. That's were she felt her story really began… when she met him. She felt empty and ached at the idea of not having him, although he wasn't hers, it felt like he was and always had been on another level. Without him she couldn't imagine her life having as much meaning, although she'd never truly admit that. Thinking about who if he wasn't in her life, the prospect of her ever having a chance of being with the love of her life would be non existent… and that frightened her to her core.

After starring up at the ceiling for a few minutes, she shoved her thoughts that would contradict that she'd say next, under the rug.

"It'd be a hell of a lot easier." She lied, putting on her best poker face.

Rachel decided not to push any further, knowing that until something gave, the pressing wouldn't do much and would only provide added stress to her friend, which right now wasn't the ideal time for.

They ended up falling asleep in the middle of the day to the sound of the rain coming down lightly, hitting the windows and creating a peaceful melody, with them both on Donna's bed huddled up watching a movie.

Never had he seen Harvey so distracted, so feeble and mutilated. He knew that it was only her that could make him feel this way, after all they had been through, and shit they'd had to deal with from clients and other attorneys, even with Scottie… he's never been like this.

Reaching for an unopened bottle of scotch from the glass cupboard that's home to the alcohol of Harvey Spector, Mike walks back over to the two black cushioned chairs where Harvey's sitting in one, looking absentmindedly into the burning fire in the middle of the wall.

"Thanks." He says coming out of his trance, as Mike hands him the tumbler of scotch.

"What's on your mind Harvey?" He asks, already knowing what's most likely about to come out of his mouth. A. Avoiding what he's really thinking or B. The truth, her. Donna.

He half surprises him when Harvey answers simply with "Wondering how Donna's doing." As he sips his scotch casually trying to hide the depth of concern and terror he's feeling. Constantly worried if she's okay after what happened, if there had been any complications.. He's seen the movies… these things happen, he tried to justify is thinking to himself.

"I'm sure she's fine Harvey, if she wasn't Rachel would've called. The last I heard was that they were rugged up in bed watching The Notebook." Mike says trying to ease his friends worries.

Harvey felt his chest twinge and his heart skip a few beats as he thought about how much he wished he could be the one curled up in bed with her. How he wanted to be there next to her, to hold her and make sure she was safe. Thinking about how all he wanted to do right now was to feel her close to him, to trace his thumb against he cheeks as she sleeps peacefully, to be the one to settle her when the pain got too much, feeling like that would be the only thing that would calm his anxiety.

"Yeah I know." He mumbled into his glass, taking another swig in hopes of numbing both his mind and his heart.

"Why don't you just tell her Harvey?" The young lawyer questioned all of a sudden. Looking at him with seriousness yet kindness all the same.

Harvey stared back at Mike, feeling as though he was a deer caught in the headlights.

"Sorry? Tell her what exactly?"

Tilting his head slightly in annoyance, Mike stared back at him.

"Tell her how you feel?"

"She knows how I feel, she knows I'm worried for her and upset at whats happened." He explains, knowing very well that he's dodging the real question directed at him.

"Harvey… tell her how you feel about _her"_ Mike states, understanding that this wasn't easy for him.

"Mike…" He starts, ready to lay down an excuse, before Mike cuts him off before he has the chance.

"No Harvey, listen. You got something here, something real, someone who's waiting for you and you can't seem to see it. So many people would kill to have what you have right in front of you, and you have it but you're not doing anything about it. I would hate for you to miss out on being with the one person who makes you truly happy, because you're too afraid. She is in love with you Harvey, it's so clear, just as it is to see that you're in love with her too.

"Mike-"

"No Harvey, you need to tell her."

"It's not that simple Mike…" He murmured looking down at his scotch

"What's not simple about it Harvey?"

"Look, don't you think I would've told her already if I could've?" He said in a loud abrupt manner, taking Mike aback for a millisecond. "I'm.. I..I don't know how to Mike. It's been so long now… how do I bring something like that up?"

"How about, 'Hey Donna, I'm a complete asshole and haven't told you that I'm completely in love with you for 13 years. Want to go grab a drink?' Easy!"

"Okay, I've had enough of this" Harvey stands up, throwing his head back and taking in the last of his macallan 18, head crooked and eyes squinted in disapproval as he eyes Mike. Silently sayings he wants him to leave now.

Mike stands up, regretting his last statement and sighs. "Harvey I'm sorry, okay"

"Yeah well, you can keep your opinions too yourself Mike, you don't know what you're talking about."

"You know what Harvey, maybe I don't, but what I do know is that Donna isn't happy… and that I know you could have everything if you just took a leap of faith."

His gut twisted, as if someone was tying a tight knot in it, just as Mike said she wasn't happy. He'd been so oblivious, not wanting to know. Afraid.

He looked up from the spot in the wood floorboards that he'd had his eyes glued too. "I don't want to hurt her." He told Mike honestly. "And I'm too goddamn afraid of loosing her if I mess up and shit hits the fan. I can't… I can't do that. You don't understand. I can't risk it to end up with nothing, to end up without her at all.

"What if you end up with everything though." He states softly, looking at Harvey with understanding. "And Harvey, you'd never hurt Donna… ever. Sure you'll have tiffs, like anyone would. But really hurt her… you wouldn't. I know that for a fact. You would protect her from a mosquito biting her."

They were both silent as Harvey looked away into the city skyline outside his windows, absorbing all that Mike was throwing at him. Realising that he knew it was true. Mike was looking at Harvey, before an idea came to his mind.

"I know what we're going to do." He says as he gets his phone out of the inside of his blazer jacket and begin messaging Rachel.

"We?"

"Well you-" he looks up "But I'm organising it, so 'we'" He finishes looking down again with a cheeky grin spreading across his face.

"Mike…" Harvey Warns

"You said you didn't know how to tell her… So I'm giving you a way that you can."

"You're such a dick, what the hell are you talking about?" He sways his weight anxiously from one foot to the other.

"I'm telling Rach to tell Donna, an emergencies come up with a family member and she needs to rush home." He says briefly looking at a confused Harvey as he goes back to messaging his fiancé. "This is where you come in… incase you, you know didn't catch that old man." He smirks looking up at a Harvey who's getting impatient, frustrated and a little overwhelmed.

He just stares at Mike, terrified, his heart beating rapidly but not only for that reason. He wouldn't admit this to the younger lawyer but he was grateful he'd come up with that. He wanted to see her desperately but didn't have a good enough reason too just pop over he thought.

"You can take over from Rach" Mike says as he puts his phone back in his pocket and retracts back to the leather chair where they were both sitting moments ago. He sits back and pours himself another glass of scotch, as he holds up the bottle to Harvey, inviting him back to join him with a sheepish smirk. Harvey gives in and goes back to wait to hear what will happen next.

Only the TV screen and the lights from neighbouring building cascading in through the window on the bedroom, are the only things that give any sort of light into the apartment. The Notebook had finished long ago she thinks, as she sees something else gracing the screen now. She rubs her eyes so she can see clearly, and remembers what woke her up in the first place. Her phone vibrated again in her hand, where she'd left it before falling asleep. It was Mike.

 _'_ _Hey Rach,_

 _I've finally got somewhere with Harvey._

 _Can you tell Donna you have a family emergency and have to leave?_

 _Harvey's going to come and take over._

 _I think this might be it…_

 _Love you,_

 _M'_

She smiles widely as she reads the end of Mikes message, as she looks over at Donna still peacefully asleep. She smiles softly at Donna, thinking how different things could be very soon.

 _'_ _Finally! It's about time._

 _Send him over and I'll come home._

 _She's still sleeping._

 _Love you too, see you soon._

 _Rach xx'_

She gets up as quietly as possible, going around the apartment and collecting all the things she took out of her bag, toiletries, clothes etc. and packing them back up into her little duffle bag she brought with her. Turning off the newest movies that had began playing on Netflix, she let Donna rest in peace, while she made herself a coffee, waiting for Harvey to arrive.

Harvey looked at the man opposite him as he read out Rachel's message.

"Okay, get ready." He sat up straight clapping his hands in excitement.

"What? Now?… She's asleep." He countered.

"Harvey stop stalling and go pack a bag."

His heart started beating ferociously, he stood up and headed towards his bedroom, blindly following Mikes orders. Who was he becoming… taking orders from the puppy?

They took Harvey's black Lexus to Donna's apartment, leaving Mike in the car, so that he and Rachel could go home together.

"You can do this Harvey." Mike said sincerely, smiling at his mentor.

"Thanks Mike." He smiled back, just before closing the door and heading through the doors of her apartment building.

He climbs the stairs all the way to the top floor, until he reaches number 206. Knowing that Donna's asleep he gently knocks on the door. Taken aback when the door opened as his fist back back after only knocking once.

"Rachel" He greeted her with a small smile. Clearly nervous.

"Harvey… come on in" She steps aside, opening the door so that he came enter into the place that had become his safe haven.

"Thanks Rachel" He says, stepping inside and putting his coat over the couch.

Still standing by the open door, Rachel, walks a few steps to where she left her bag.

"I'd better get going then. Goodnight Harvey." She smiles at him

He walks because over to the green door where the young woman his now on the opposite site of. "Goodnight Rachel" He smiles lightly as he closes the door, seeing her disappear down the hallway.

Taking a deep breath he realised he was alone with her again, and suddenly his whole body was a home for all the electricity in New York City. His arms tingling and heart racing a million miles an hour. He walked down the hall and peaked inside her room, there peacefully as ever, deep in sleep. Her body curled up in the foetus position on her left side. Her hands under her face, squishing her cheek against them, making her look so innocent and beautiful. He walks over to the right side of the bed, rearer to the window and lays down next to her on top of her quilt. Curling up the same way she is, so that he's facing her, he just glances up and down her face lovingly. The night light creeping in from the window casting over her face, making his breath falter. He reached his hand over to crease her cheek and softly pull away the stray hairs covering her eyes, behind her ears. He sank further into the pillow as he continued to never take his eyes off of her, resting his hand on one of hers that was just out from under her head. Thinking how he couldn't remember the last time he had had a night so magical as this.


End file.
